I had a dream

recently that my dad hit my mother. We were in some a house, I'm not sure if was supposed to be theirs, but I wasn't familiar with it. My mom and dad were arguing. I was in my room when things started to get heated. I finally decided that enough was enough and decided to try to tell them to chill out. I walked in just in time to see my dad give my mom a good wallop from his backhand. I was shocked. I had never seen my dad lay a hand on my mother before, either in a dream or in real life. I calmly told my dad that if I ever saw him do that again, the next thing he would be seeing is the ceiling of a hospital. I meant it too. I had never felt that kind of anger before for my father. When I woke up I had a strange feeling. I was still mad at my father even though I knew it didn't really happen. My parents have argued before, and yes it gets bitter sometimes, but I have never seen an act of violence from either of them. Seeing it in my dream affected me more than I thought, as I was still thinking about it hours later. I had to keep telling myself that it was not real. Then I started feeling very fortunate I have never had to witness that when I was growing up. As an adult, I'm pretty sure I could handle the collapse of my family. I feel like I would do the right thing with taking care of them. I feel I am a pretty stable, well-adjusted young adult. However if I had witnessed things like this frequently as a child, I wonder how this would have affected me. I hope it has never actually happened, and that it is not just one of those things that is shielded from your eyes as a kid. I never knew until years later that at one point we were pretty much broke before my dad got a job with Ford. I was blissfully unaware in my world where my parents always had things together and they knew exactly the right thing to do for my brother and I. I know this isn't true, but I am very fortunate for the stability and support they have shown me. I think about my students at school, and the very different world some of them come from. For some, it is a very real thing to have abusive parents. I can only imagine what it must feel like to come home and have to take care of brothers and sisters because mom is working until midnight, or worse, passed out from whatever substance she decided to escape with today. My dad did work a lot when I was young, and I did not see a lot of him, but I did see him, and I knew at the end of the day he would come home. As far as I knew he always did. I hope I have the wisdom to know how to mentor my students. Some are in pretty turbulent waters, and I am sometimes unsure of how to make my lighthouse shine to guide these kids. God grant me the wisdom.

The Way We Live Now

Just finished a play called The Way We Live Now: 25 Years Later. I played several characters that deal with the loss of a loves on from AIDS. The plays were written around the late 80's, when much was still unknown about it, and at a time when the public perception was based on fear, ignorance, and judgement. Much has changed since the plays were written. Absolute terror has been meat with understanding about the disease. No longer is it immediate death sentence. There is no longer a surfeit of pills to take every few hours. The public stance is no longer quite so judgmental. However, there is still no cure. There is still a pill to take everyday, with the risk of becoming ineffectual is a dose is missed. It still dramatically changes one's life. There is still an air of condemnation associated with people who have HIV, even in myself. This is because barring a blood transfusion, rape, or a few rare circumstances, one still must either have sex with someone, or engage in illicit drug use in order to get it. This is not to say that people who have it deserve it, or do not deserve help and counsel for the situation they are in. However they did put themselves in this situation, no matter how unintentionally (even if one thinks it was inevitable). I simply think there are consequences in life, for every action, for every decision. Good, bad, or neutral. This is why I think that we are still not finished educating people about the disease. In fact, one of the fastest growing populations with HIV are people over 60. As the elderly move to Florida to retire, many are widowed, and are looking for companionship. No longer worried about an unwanted pregnancy, many forego the use of protection. This was the generation where the worst risk from having sex was getting pregnant. Unfortunately we live in scarier times, and education is our most powerful weapon against these new threats.
This play has forced me to reconcile myself with a few of my perceptions about the disease. At the end of each performance, we had a representative from the AIDS Task Force, including Gregory Manifold, the executive director. I have learned about the different perspectives about how the attitude has changed since the 80's. I think it was most important to listen to the people living with HIV and hear their stories. They are not terrified of the disease. It has changed their lives, but many are determined live full lives.
One man after one of the last performances said he knows he will not die from AIDS. He was diagnosed with HIV in 1987, at the age of 22. He was in college, and was faced with the fact that within 5 years he would be dead. He is also homosexual, and faced with the shame of telling his family and some of his friends that not only his lifestyle is not acceptable to them, but that he has HIV. He turned to drug use, alcohol, and other things to escape his depression and slim outlook. He eventually got help, got his life turned around, and started taking care of himself. Nearly 25 years later, he is healthy, and an advocate for AIDS education. He says he will now die os AIDS. He will die of cancer, or heart disease, or one of the many other afflictions that eventually will get us in the end. Imagine the strange comfort of being determined to die of cancer.